The Liberal's 10 Commandments

Back in print after four years, this was something I wrote back in 2004 during one of my more cynical moments, which tend to happen with inordinate frequency anytime I ponder political, philosophical, and pseudo-religious tenets of liberalism.

I'd tell liberals not to be offended, but that would be as pointless as telling feminists to love their fellow man. Enjoy!


The Liberal’s 10 Commandments

1. I am the feminist Abortion Goddess; thou shalt have no other deities before me. Thou may pay lip service to worshiping the Christian deity in the time leading up to an election; however, thou shalt mean none of it.

2. Thou shalt not take the name(s) of Margaret Sanger, Alfred Kinsey, Roe vs. Wade, the ACLU, the AFL-CIO, the NEA, or Al Gore in vain.

3. Keep no day as holy unless:
1) It is January 22;
2) It makes for a good photo-op;
3) It is specifically requested by a leftist fringe group; or
4) It is a testament to the evil done by white Christian males.

4. Mother and father are archaic expressions designed to accentuate the inequality of the genders. They also promote the offensive stereotype that only male/female pairings can legitimately be considered parents. Thou shalt henceforth replace them with the generic phrase parent(s)/legal guardian(s). Thou may honor thy parent(s)/legal guardian(s) unless:
1) They are “anti-choice;”
2) Thou art being home-schooled; or
3) Thou art a minor attempting to cross state lines to procure an abortion without their consent.

5. Thou shalt not kill animals (especially if “endangered”), trees (especially if part of a “rain forest), terrorists, or convicted murderers. I make no provisions, however, for Israelis, persons living under terrorist regimes, or unborn children (unless a trial lawyer sees the potential to make millions of dollars by suing a doctor, thereby driving up health care costs).

6. Adultery is an archaic expression meant to protect archaic modes of male/female union. Thou may doeth whatever feels good. Actions need not have consequences. However, this rule is to be suspended in cases where a Catholic priest is accused of child molestation (the credibility of the allegations being irrelevant). It is also to be suspended in the event that a liberal is embroiled in a sex scandal that could destroy the credibility of liberals everywhere. Such a person must be sacrificed for the good of the cause.

7. The following things may be stolen:
1) United States military secrets;
2) Good ideas that might otherwise be attributed to a conservative;
3) The wealth of “rich conservatives” (an intentionally ambiguous phrase that shall be arbitrarily defined by an incumbent liberal president or trial lawyer)
4) Close elections (through court rulings by liberal-appointed judges)

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless:
1) Thou art employed by the “mainstream media;”
2) Thou art a liberal running for high office;
3) Thou art speaking about observant Christians; or
4) Thou art a liberal whose credibility has been called into question and need to shift the focus onto your accuser.

In addition, thou shalt never, ever, bear true witness against a liberal politician who has been deemed “electable” (so long as a liberal politician holdeth the exalted “electable” status, he/she/it shalt likewise be protected under the 2nd Commandment).

9. Wife is an archaic term pertaining to an archaic definition of male/female union. It, as well as the equally archaic term husband, shalt henceforth be replaced by the term significant other(s). Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s significant other(s) unless:
1) Thou art the leader or the offspring of a leader of a terrorist regime
2) Thou hath been blessed with the surname Kennedy
3) The significant other(s) in question reciprocate(s) thy interest.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods unless:
1) Thy neighbor is a wealthy widow;
2) Thou art a liberal-minded currency speculator; or
3) Thou worketh for the IRS