"10/26/2011, 9:22 AM, Washington, DC - After a nearly 10 hour standoff that resulted in the deaths of 8 police officers and 279 civilians, law enforcement agents finally succeeded in subduing an unarmed elderly man who had attempted to illegally install a light bulb without government approval. According to police records, John Doe, aged 75, had grown increasingly more frustrated with government bureaucrats who were still processing his request - made in 1962, when he was 26 years old - to replace a broken light bulb in the front porch of his home.
As the bruised and beaten Doe was being led away in handcuffs, he allegedly screamed out, 'Who takes 49 freaking years to replace a stupid light bulb?!'
According to eyewitnesses, the standoff began just after 10 P.M. last night, when an enraged Doe - who had been on hold with the Federal Department of Light Bulbs for nearly 8 hours - took the unprecedented step of removing the nearly 50 year old burned out light bulb from its fixture.
One concerned neighbor, who asked not to be identified, happened to witness Mr. Doe's unseemly action while passing by her living room window, and immediately called 911.
'Half a dozen patrol cars were on the scene in less than 15 seconds,' the amazed neighbor said. 'Heck, it took them 15 minutes to respond to a murder in progress last week.'
A number of police officers, pistols at the ready, immediately tried to talk the elderly man down from his mini-ladder. Instead, Mr. Doe flashed them a grin and said, 'Did you know that my call was very important to them?'
'He had crazy eyes,' convicted felon (and now police Lt.) Buster Faisup recalled. 'But here he was defying the federal government. We just couldn't let that pass. So the moment he started trying to replace that light bulb again, we had no choice. We brought out the heavy artillery.'
Indeed they did. For the next 10 hours, the police and arriving SWAT, FBI, and Army divisions began pouring murderous and unrelenting gun, rifle, machine gun, and tank fire on the defenseless Doe, who was less than 20 feet away.
Unfortunately, these crack shots - themselves trained by government bureaucrats as a 'cost cutting measure' in the federal defense budget - were not always accurate. The end result was the destruction of more than 100 homes, irreparable damage to the Washington Monument (located some 10 miles away), and 279 dead, 863 wounded, and 6,790 other civilians unaccounted for beneath the resulting rubble. Additionally, 8 police officers lost their lives when an order to remove the pins from their hand grenades was issued, but the follow up order to lob the grenades at Mr. Doe's house was not.
'We have no idea how that happened,' Undersecretary of Light Bulbs Dearing Hedlites said. Undersecretary Hedlites - who was responsible for issuing all orders to law enforcement personnel throughout the course of the standoff - assured us that he would form an investigative committee to find the person responsible just as soon as he could secure an executive order to authorize it.
Despite some setbacks, the 10 hours of bombardment seemed to have some effect. The Doe residence suffered minor damage to the roof, and Mr. Doe himself suffered minor injuries - the result of falling from his ladder due to excessive gun smoke inhalation - which provided SWAT personnel with the opening they needed to go in and subdue him with a barrage of blows from half a dozen nightsticks. This happened less than an hour after the bombardment began. With Mr. Doe securely in custody, the bombardment was finally called off some 9 hours later.
Afterward, we caught up with a grinning Mr. Hedlites. 'Wow, 9 hours,' he said. 'I can't recall us ever pulling the plug on an operation that quickly.'
When asked about the massive collateral damage, he said, 'It's a small price to pay to ensure the rule of law in our society.'"
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
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